I wrote this a few months agao--but still rings true!

All along I say inside out, inside out. Do I believe that myself, well I am trying. What a battle self love is-it is so hard when one is haunted by low self esteem,negative self talk, years of verbal abuse from a mother who hated herself, her life, loved her children but just could not pull it together. 
I often wonder why,, maybe her spirit was just to broken...Seriously, why could she not help herself, because she lacked knowledge or energy to really do something about it. I think really she just didn't think she was worth anything --what a sad feeling. I look back and I really can say she was never happy, never. 

Here I am on my journey my children make me very happy, I have a really nice husband who tries so hard to do the right thing and please me. I feel I often leave him feeling hopeless....its not even his fault! 
Okay. I am going to break the cycle, I refuse to let my daughter grow up and feel this self defeating feeling inside of her. I am going to teach her that she is lovable, just as I am lovable, I always have been! Do I love myself NO, do I hate myself NO- did I grow up with someone who taught me to hate myself simply from her own misery yes. I will not transfer that energy onto my children NO, NO it is not fair and they do not have a choice! I am going to keep working on my self I still have time to change more and I will- I feel have come a long way - I am going to give myself some credit --I am a good Mother, I am a good wife, and I was a good daughter. These are the words I will make myself believe! Oh and Run tall! 

pleasantries.... (just sayin)

So while scrubbing away this evening- I was of course doing a lot of thinking..after having a very sad conversation with my friend, it really made me think about our role as mothers/ wives. We do so much for our families. To what cost and how far does it go?  I know the dynamics of each family is different, some rely on the mothers/wives to do everything . Where some both parents pitch into help(my house), and also some have children old enough to do chores.
Most of us take this role very seriously! My heart goes out to the Mothers/wives who have to do everything. They have a lot on their shoulders! Worrying  about the kids, meals, cleaning and LAUNDRY which is a job itself- to keep up on!! The list goes on and on, the well being of the children, making sure they are raised right- have manors- know how to treat people, keeping up on school work, showers,  trying to spend quality time,and getting everyone ready for bed, still it's never over --Never!!  Did I mention that a lot of these women have jobs and still are "responsible" for these chores, they have to get it done no matter what!!
      No wonder they're walking around exhausted . Not knowing which direction to go. Not really sure who they are...putting themselves last.  Forgetting what it is like to be a happy person.  I'm not saying happy mom/wife person- I am saying a happy soul.  The core person,  the one that is always there with you. (I hope I am making sense)Because to be a truly happy person it takes work-  personal work, spiritual work-physical work--work, work, work!!! Where can she find the time for that? Is it even important? Probably in most cases not really.  It's almost like being a forced choice for you to put yourself  last, and your family first. Hoping you don't build to much resentment -and at the same time get some appreciation.  A kind word from your husband,  thank u from your child, a hug, date , nice card- ANYTHING!!
  My same friend in a past conversations referred to the small things -the small things are very, very important, because when they don't happen -it becomes a big thing- big things lead to a  truly worn down soul ,unhappy person- with bitterness in their  heart. Not so forgiving, or maybe I should say forgetting!  Resentments build and now it is toxic... when if maybe a little help was given and mom had some time to work on herself the whole household would run smoother and everyone would be that much happier which would be a chain reaction that spread to each of us because we are all connected!!!

ahh love

We are coming up on John's 3 rd birthday-I am so excited for him-he is going to start preschool 2 days a week and I know he will enjoy himself and learn to be independent from mom, his brother and sister! I remember so clearly when I saw his face for the 1st time-- my heart feels heavy just thinking of that day! My life changed over night -like I could have never imagined.  The love that we able to feel for our children is unbelievable!
   I have no idea what my purpose in life is besides being a mother --It is not that I feel empty at all -I just wonder if their is another purpose for me as well. I spent so much of my 20's when I would of been making these decisions stoned and drunk and just being a free spirit as my dad puts it! I  reflect back now - and I was not free at all, I was weighed down with sadness and loneliness.  I had no direction and wasted many years--but all of these experiences led  me to who I am today- do I regret things--some of them yes, but most no.
 I think through these life experiences I have come to understand how precious these days are, how lucky I am to have a stable loving husband and father for my children. They're so lucky to have him as their example! For me to have a solid man who knows himself-is exactly what I needed, and what I asked for- at least my heart asked for. God knew what I needed before I even knew it--not long after meeting him, I really started to clean myself up,realizing that this person is here with me because they love me for who I am, excepted me- he saw all the goodness in me and in turn I started to see it-- I knew very strongly that this was the path my life was taking and I was so ready. If we had known then what was in store for us in next few years!
Anywho feeling stable in these areas of my life makes me wonder what is next- and gives me the security to feel like I could explore my options as far as my purposes on this earth- I am faithful in time I will see more clearly or things will clearly present themselves.......

Battle

How is it -I open my eyes one day and I have 3 children a great husband and I am able to run 5 miles? How is I find the time to clean my house and keep up on my laundry..... How is it I am at constant battle with my laziness and I feel I am winning. I only think to myself that I have to do these things in order to function properly, for my household to run as smoothly as possible, I need not to feed the never silent depression monster that lives inside me. If it is through these small things I feel better about myself then I should fight the battle! No one is going to give us sympathy for our messy homes, or oh u have 3 children there fore u have to get nothing done. Oh u like to eat a lot that is why u have heart disease and diabetes--or you just like to drink so go ahead and drink, drink up!
  Then there is those times when we stop and look in the mirror, do we really look at ourselves-most likely not! I find myself doing all these things to try and better my life and my family...I do have a important job, it is to teach my little beings how to live and function, how to be good husbands, and a good wife-I want them to grow up and know that I helped teach them that they are important. Their home is important, their mom is important because she cares about herself (for the kids) having two parents that respect each other and try to make one another's  life better is IMPORTANT!!  If it is through exercise, cleaning, having folded laundry put away,  a floor swept and mopped then I am going to do this for them!
The one thing I really want my children to know is God blessed me with them and I am thankful! He blessed me with the desire to do the best I can in my role as a mom and a wife-I just have to let him lead me to be even better....he is knocking oh is he knocking....