Letter from a friend.

Dear Self,
How have things been going? Did u lift your head up and be proud? I hope it's not hanging low with those sad eyes anymore. I hate to see you like that! I miss your bright light that shined even if I was the only one who noticed....I always think of the story you told me when your worked at that flower shop, you would say hello to this man who walked by every morning, and one day he stopped and said, "5 years I walk by this shop and no one ever says hi to me, and now u say hello every morning!" I love when u told me this because that was so you, a simple hello which you came natural-changed this whole guys morning, probably made him feel noticed and I know people like that.
I am wondering if u read any good books lately or wrote any poetry ...your poems used to make me cry...I guess if no one has inspired you it would be hard to write a poem unless it was negative which is a place I know you have been trapped in since last spring. If I could give you any advice... please stop paying any mind to things that u can't change, and learn to except that others struggle just as much as you- they just may be better at hiding or maybe have a deeper spiritual connection that you're lacking. Please believe it could be simply that they are void and dealing with void is a waste of energy and a never winning battle and can be so exhausting.
 I hope you're are still finding joy in running it would be so sad to know that you became defeated in that area too. I was so proud to see the progress u made after having your twins and how proud you were of yourself, it was such a different part of you- that I didn't know existed. What a great accomplishment!
Please know that you have always been special to me- we have been through so much together, and I don't know what I would do with out you! I think of all the good times we shared the laughter,dancing,enjoying a good meal, driving around listening to Bod Dylan, looking at the mountains, daydreaming of homes we would love to live in... those were awesome times. I know the you that I will always admire and think kindly of --that girl is my friend. So when you come across that smile with the phony heart behind it and the energy you can not deny ....take it for what it is and hold your head high!
 I love you and think of you often, I am so glad you have your little children and husband as a refuge, I know they take good care of you and love you as much as I do. I hope to see you soon.Please know I think of you every day, and I will be waiting for your response back with what I hope is good news take care!
                              Love, Me

John Wayne is turning 4....

My best friend, spirited little man,tender hearted special boy.....with big blue eyes they have the same expression as when we met for the first time. Your little hand in mine is one of my favorite things in the world. When you hug and kiss me I feel so special. How could I be so lucky as to have been given you as a gift in my life. Everyday when you wake up and I say, "I am so happy to see you" I mean it.  What a great big brother you have become so caring for Mary and Dylan makes me so proud -you don't know life with out them and I hope you never do! I see how important they are to you, and that makes me feel so happy  the 3 of u have each other. Your friendly nature brightens peoples day,  complete strangers smile when you talk to them  sharing  your deep thoughts about farm animals, tractors, rhinos -whatever is on your mind -makes a angry person forget their troubles.  What a gift your nature is, and I will do my best to nurture you as long as I can. Some what brave, and independent-you keep trying even when you want to give up and I say, "You can do it, don't give up John Wayne" and when you succeed and I see your face light up with pride- it is a pay off for not just giving in and doing it for you. When I see you try to help your dad with work, or help me fold towels it gives me great joy because I know you genuinely want to help us- it is a built in quality that is so important for the man you will become one day. You're concerned with others -willing to apologize when it is or isn't your fault.  Caring for others when they're hurting, it is of great concern to you when tears are flowing- you want to help make it better. These qualities make a good friend. So even the times when you're wound up, running around, being stubborn, pushing, screaming, slamming doors, taking toys away,crying, talking non stop- telling me your every thought- I love you with all my heart and I am so happy I am your mom.

I think they were green.

Sometimes watching life-living it, missing people, wishing we could hold them again-smell them--it passes by,days go on and our hearts hurt-we wish for different events to take place - alone we deal with the trouble in our hearts. We meet people, touch hands, look into each others eyes, and just move on say good bye. The days go on- I live my life, you live yours.  I feel so heavy with the idea of what goes through your head, the loneliness you must feel- not really knowing why this has happened, maybe u will never know. I see something so special. Haven't felt that energy for so long, stimulated my senses. As we open our eyes  and think -just another day in the munotinous life; happy, sad, angry, tired, lazy, bored, frustrated, hungry, pissed, lonely, look at the mountains, see the blue skies, stand under the moon, wish on a star,dream,cry, feel the breeze on your face, pray, wish for peace of mind, escaping memories --being faithful and hopeful for new ones.....listen to birds, music, read, write, exercise. Then we lay down and close our eyes -hoping one person felt good because the paths crossed- just as they were supposed to -and just as they should.

A reflection on rejection

Many times we face rejection in all different forms--it hurts us our egos and makes the insecurities come out in full force. Is that everyone else's problem? Are they supposed to know that one is feeling this way? Should they change they way they are to please us? NO!  We have to dig deep- get ourselves out of the hole and move on. I am responsible for me, my children and my husband.  I have not to answer to anyone but God!!!  When the feeling of rejection takes over, we start lashing out on everyone because we want them to feel as miserable as us. Take a good look at yourself, why are you miserable- because you have done nothing to take charge of your life, u have not listened to the inner voice guiding you . Buck UP and take responsibility for who you are and the decisions you have made. What is best for me and my family may not be what is best for yours. How you raise your child may not be the same as they way I raise mine,  but I am going to stand up be a proud mom and wife - lead my family the best way that I know how.  I have learned a lot about myself since becoming a mom-children need you when they are tiny and helpless -but they also need you a lot more as they grow to show a good example of how to be strong and not hide form the world, face your fears of rejection full force- build the inner self to have honest and true character-- a good loving and thankful heart -a kind and loving spirit! I mean seriously--take care of you and then you can truly take care of everyone else!

I wrote this a few months agao--but still rings true!

All along I say inside out, inside out. Do I believe that myself, well I am trying. What a battle self love is-it is so hard when one is haunted by low self esteem,negative self talk, years of verbal abuse from a mother who hated herself, her life, loved her children but just could not pull it together. 
I often wonder why,, maybe her spirit was just to broken...Seriously, why could she not help herself, because she lacked knowledge or energy to really do something about it. I think really she just didn't think she was worth anything --what a sad feeling. I look back and I really can say she was never happy, never. 

Here I am on my journey my children make me very happy, I have a really nice husband who tries so hard to do the right thing and please me. I feel I often leave him feeling hopeless....its not even his fault! 
Okay. I am going to break the cycle, I refuse to let my daughter grow up and feel this self defeating feeling inside of her. I am going to teach her that she is lovable, just as I am lovable, I always have been! Do I love myself NO, do I hate myself NO- did I grow up with someone who taught me to hate myself simply from her own misery yes. I will not transfer that energy onto my children NO, NO it is not fair and they do not have a choice! I am going to keep working on my self I still have time to change more and I will- I feel have come a long way - I am going to give myself some credit --I am a good Mother, I am a good wife, and I was a good daughter. These are the words I will make myself believe! Oh and Run tall! 

pleasantries.... (just sayin)

So while scrubbing away this evening- I was of course doing a lot of thinking..after having a very sad conversation with my friend, it really made me think about our role as mothers/ wives. We do so much for our families. To what cost and how far does it go?  I know the dynamics of each family is different, some rely on the mothers/wives to do everything . Where some both parents pitch into help(my house), and also some have children old enough to do chores.
Most of us take this role very seriously! My heart goes out to the Mothers/wives who have to do everything. They have a lot on their shoulders! Worrying  about the kids, meals, cleaning and LAUNDRY which is a job itself- to keep up on!! The list goes on and on, the well being of the children, making sure they are raised right- have manors- know how to treat people, keeping up on school work, showers,  trying to spend quality time,and getting everyone ready for bed, still it's never over --Never!!  Did I mention that a lot of these women have jobs and still are "responsible" for these chores, they have to get it done no matter what!!
      No wonder they're walking around exhausted . Not knowing which direction to go. Not really sure who they are...putting themselves last.  Forgetting what it is like to be a happy person.  I'm not saying happy mom/wife person- I am saying a happy soul.  The core person,  the one that is always there with you. (I hope I am making sense)Because to be a truly happy person it takes work-  personal work, spiritual work-physical work--work, work, work!!! Where can she find the time for that? Is it even important? Probably in most cases not really.  It's almost like being a forced choice for you to put yourself  last, and your family first. Hoping you don't build to much resentment -and at the same time get some appreciation.  A kind word from your husband,  thank u from your child, a hug, date , nice card- ANYTHING!!
  My same friend in a past conversations referred to the small things -the small things are very, very important, because when they don't happen -it becomes a big thing- big things lead to a  truly worn down soul ,unhappy person- with bitterness in their  heart. Not so forgiving, or maybe I should say forgetting!  Resentments build and now it is toxic... when if maybe a little help was given and mom had some time to work on herself the whole household would run smoother and everyone would be that much happier which would be a chain reaction that spread to each of us because we are all connected!!!

ahh love

We are coming up on John's 3 rd birthday-I am so excited for him-he is going to start preschool 2 days a week and I know he will enjoy himself and learn to be independent from mom, his brother and sister! I remember so clearly when I saw his face for the 1st time-- my heart feels heavy just thinking of that day! My life changed over night -like I could have never imagined.  The love that we able to feel for our children is unbelievable!
   I have no idea what my purpose in life is besides being a mother --It is not that I feel empty at all -I just wonder if their is another purpose for me as well. I spent so much of my 20's when I would of been making these decisions stoned and drunk and just being a free spirit as my dad puts it! I  reflect back now - and I was not free at all, I was weighed down with sadness and loneliness.  I had no direction and wasted many years--but all of these experiences led  me to who I am today- do I regret things--some of them yes, but most no.
 I think through these life experiences I have come to understand how precious these days are, how lucky I am to have a stable loving husband and father for my children. They're so lucky to have him as their example! For me to have a solid man who knows himself-is exactly what I needed, and what I asked for- at least my heart asked for. God knew what I needed before I even knew it--not long after meeting him, I really started to clean myself up,realizing that this person is here with me because they love me for who I am, excepted me- he saw all the goodness in me and in turn I started to see it-- I knew very strongly that this was the path my life was taking and I was so ready. If we had known then what was in store for us in next few years!
Anywho feeling stable in these areas of my life makes me wonder what is next- and gives me the security to feel like I could explore my options as far as my purposes on this earth- I am faithful in time I will see more clearly or things will clearly present themselves.......