Letter from a friend.

Dear Self,
How have things been going? Did u lift your head up and be proud? I hope it's not hanging low with those sad eyes anymore. I hate to see you like that! I miss your bright light that shined even if I was the only one who noticed....I always think of the story you told me when your worked at that flower shop, you would say hello to this man who walked by every morning, and one day he stopped and said, "5 years I walk by this shop and no one ever says hi to me, and now u say hello every morning!" I love when u told me this because that was so you, a simple hello which you came natural-changed this whole guys morning, probably made him feel noticed and I know people like that.
I am wondering if u read any good books lately or wrote any poetry ...your poems used to make me cry...I guess if no one has inspired you it would be hard to write a poem unless it was negative which is a place I know you have been trapped in since last spring. If I could give you any advice... please stop paying any mind to things that u can't change, and learn to except that others struggle just as much as you- they just may be better at hiding or maybe have a deeper spiritual connection that you're lacking. Please believe it could be simply that they are void and dealing with void is a waste of energy and a never winning battle and can be so exhausting.
 I hope you're are still finding joy in running it would be so sad to know that you became defeated in that area too. I was so proud to see the progress u made after having your twins and how proud you were of yourself, it was such a different part of you- that I didn't know existed. What a great accomplishment!
Please know that you have always been special to me- we have been through so much together, and I don't know what I would do with out you! I think of all the good times we shared the laughter,dancing,enjoying a good meal, driving around listening to Bod Dylan, looking at the mountains, daydreaming of homes we would love to live in... those were awesome times. I know the you that I will always admire and think kindly of --that girl is my friend. So when you come across that smile with the phony heart behind it and the energy you can not deny ....take it for what it is and hold your head high!
 I love you and think of you often, I am so glad you have your little children and husband as a refuge, I know they take good care of you and love you as much as I do. I hope to see you soon.Please know I think of you every day, and I will be waiting for your response back with what I hope is good news take care!
                              Love, Me

John Wayne is turning 4....

My best friend, spirited little man,tender hearted special boy.....with big blue eyes they have the same expression as when we met for the first time. Your little hand in mine is one of my favorite things in the world. When you hug and kiss me I feel so special. How could I be so lucky as to have been given you as a gift in my life. Everyday when you wake up and I say, "I am so happy to see you" I mean it.  What a great big brother you have become so caring for Mary and Dylan makes me so proud -you don't know life with out them and I hope you never do! I see how important they are to you, and that makes me feel so happy  the 3 of u have each other. Your friendly nature brightens peoples day,  complete strangers smile when you talk to them  sharing  your deep thoughts about farm animals, tractors, rhinos -whatever is on your mind -makes a angry person forget their troubles.  What a gift your nature is, and I will do my best to nurture you as long as I can. Some what brave, and independent-you keep trying even when you want to give up and I say, "You can do it, don't give up John Wayne" and when you succeed and I see your face light up with pride- it is a pay off for not just giving in and doing it for you. When I see you try to help your dad with work, or help me fold towels it gives me great joy because I know you genuinely want to help us- it is a built in quality that is so important for the man you will become one day. You're concerned with others -willing to apologize when it is or isn't your fault.  Caring for others when they're hurting, it is of great concern to you when tears are flowing- you want to help make it better. These qualities make a good friend. So even the times when you're wound up, running around, being stubborn, pushing, screaming, slamming doors, taking toys away,crying, talking non stop- telling me your every thought- I love you with all my heart and I am so happy I am your mom.